I Rate Digimon
by Charles Xavier
Summary: A certain IRATE reviewer on the Internet decides to take a closer look at the phenomenon behind the Digimon franchise.


Author's Note: Well, if the title wasn't a big enough clue, this story here is a deliberate parody of a certain 'reviewer' on the Internet that some of you may or may not have heard of.

For another hint, a majority of reviewers from Channel Awesome (host of That Guy With The Glasses) have also uploaded videos about this guy, all for comedic purposes, eg Nostalgia Critic, Linkara, Phelous, Obscurus Lupa, Cinemas Snob, and Guru Larry, just to name some. Even the title card artist, Andrew Dickman, took a jab at him.

Disclaimer: Digimon belongs to Toei. All other characters depicted and/or mentioned (or parodied) belong to their rightful owners respectfully.

Oh, and if you haven't been to the That Guy With The Glasses site, do so and watch the shows. They're brilliant.

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I Rate Digimon

…

A reviewer sat in a room filled with Digimon merchandise, which he had just recently bought on eBay. He faced the camera and greeted his small number of fans who had just tuned into his channel.

"Welcome back, anime fans. Today, we're gonna talk about a show I grew up with and loved so much that I had to make a whole two-minute review about it, which took me FOREVER to make. Yep, I'm talking about 'Digimon: Digitally Monsters'!"

"When you think of one of the best anime ever made, I guarantee that 'Digimon' is probably on your top five list. Now I was a big fan of this show when I was a kid growing up in the early 80s, and I know this franchise has been reviewed before, by famous names like JesuBootaku and JupiterGurl, but my intent is to make it all the way to the end!"

"'Digimon' was a cartoon that first debuted on Cartoon Network from a Chinese toy factory called Samsung. It was made to compete with 'Dragon Ball Zee', 'Card Catcher Sakura' and the Virtual Boy. After doing much research, I discovered that five entire series have been made so far. Wow, that's gotta be a new world record for a story spanning such a long time. I mean, it must be SO hard to connect each episode together with the same characters and stay consistent throughout."

"Not as consistent as MY videos though. They're the best and you know that I'm always right about anything!"

"Now the first season of 'Digimon' consisted of sixty or so episodes. I could go back and check the number again but I'm too bothered by other unrelated things eating up my time! And are you kidding me? Only sixty episodes? Couldn't they have at least made a hundred? I can't sit all day watching all these Digimon episodes, let alone the first season! That's so damn long that it's gotten me all angry and frustrated and I hate this show!"

The reviewer began watching the first season's very first episode of 'Digimon' on his TV.

"So here we're introduced to our main characters, who are stupid little brats wandering round aimlessly in a summer camp that I don't know the name of. Where's the introduction to this? Where's the backstory? Oh God, this BORES! Why do we have to watch a bunch of unlikeable kids who have nothing to do with the plot and/or story?"

"I mean, just look at how terrible they're drawn! Who the hell did they get on the board for this job, Steve Urkel?"

"Of course, you probably have no idea of who I'm talking about, but it's so funny because I just showed you a dorky-looking picture of a guy with glasses and said his name out loud at the same time!"

"Hmm…Steve Urkel plus dorky picture equals FUNNY! There, ya see?"

"Wait, what were we talking about again? Oh, I remember now; the character design."

"The character design sucks! Where's the eye detail and the facial hair? Do I actually have to sit up-close to the TV screen to see it? But look at how stiff the characters move! They look SO RETARDED! I'd rather watch my favorite Pixar movie, 'Shrek', while reading a book about Rice Krispanese!"

"And just listen to their voice acting. It's sounds AWFUL! Why couldn't they get somebody more talented like that green genie in 'Aladdin', Robbie Williams? He used to be part of a French boy band called Take This! But I'll cover that in another separate video on my 'Top Five Favorite Boy Bands' with Nostalgia Chickie and Rodd in the Shades."

"After doing some more research, I discovered that these kids actually have names: Tai, Matt, Dizzy, Joey, Meemee, Teajay and finally this dumbass Sora, who is a complete and utter knock-off of the other unrelated Sora character from the Tolkien video game novel 'Kingdom Hearts', which was released in late 2005 in a country that didn't even speak Elvish!"

"But wait a minute, where's Ash Ketchup? Wasn't he meant to be in this show? And what about his electric chicken, Sonichu? Not even his sidekicks appear as unlockable bonus characters or as upgradable power-ups. We don't get to see his girlfriend Musty or that other annoying blind guy whose name I can't even remember."

"What a rip-off! Somebody call 911, because I've just been BROCK-ED!"

"Taiora and Takari are in this as well, but who cares about them?"

"So we open up this story where these kids are sucked into some nameless computer world inhabited by strange monsters called Digimon. Some of them are very friendly and tag along with the kids as their partners. They create many kinds of bondings of friendships and romances, as they try to help the children get back to the real world."

"But just after a few episodes, some crazy Digimon comes to terrorize them with his spinning alarm clocks. So who's this two-horned bumbling bozo that shows up out of nowhere? Is he meant to be the main bad guy?"

"Yeah, ya thuink?"

"After doing some more research, I learned that his name is Devilman."

"Devilman? He hardly looks anything like a devil! Didn't these animators check their cells before they released them? How come he doesn't look more like this?"

Cut to an image of Devil Jin Kazama.

"Or maybe this?"

Cut to an image of Vincent Valentine in his Chaos form.

"Or how about this?"

Cut to a photo of Devimon.

"Let's face it, Digivolving is ruined!"

"So after defeating Devilman, they encounter some useless old fart who says nothing and is completely lame. But he also explains in more interesting detail about the dangers that await our heroes. And it's here we learn that these children have been purposefully sent to the Digitally World to save Earth from destruction and become the legendary Digitalized Destiny."

"All right, far out! And then he sends them on their next quest to…"

"OH, WHAT THE HELL! CUT ME A BREAK! I don't want to go through another boring adventure! Couldn't the kids have been sent home already? What's the point of all this?"

"Well, guess what? We're not even halfway through this first season, and we STILL haven't seen a single episode on character development. Why couldn't the writers have made separate stories focusing on each character's background so that we'd care about them more?"

"GRRR! This makes no sense! I can't spend my time watching all these episodes and keeping track of the storyline! So that's why I brought this!"

The reviewer presented to the audience his DVD remote control.

"We'll just press the fast-forward button here and skim through the whole season in no time!"

A sped-up montage followed the reviewer fast-forwarding through every episode of the first season of 'Digimon'. The reviewer mashed randomly on all the buttons on his remote control, holding it sideways like a video game controller, pretending to become more and more infuriated by the seconds.

"Phew! Well, that took a while but we've finally made it to the last episode!"

"So in the end, we see Tai and his friends waving their last farewellses to their Digimon partners as they ride away on the Batmobile back home."

"WHAT, THAT'S IT? It just stops there? No end credits or a final score point? After analyzing each and every frame of this episode, you'll find that there are NO alternate endings, NO secret codes, NO hidden 1-ups, NO additional bosses and NO optional side-quests! I can't believe I sat for hours watching through this garbage for nothing! WHAT A PIECE OF A COWABUNGA SHIII-ET!"

"Well anyway, despite its flawls, the first season of Digimon still lives up great to this day, even if it does have flawls. But take my word; the minute you see a DVD copy of this sitting on a shelf near you, you should flush it right down the toilet immediately. Because it's worthless as a load of diarrhea vomit!"

"Now you may not know about this, but 'Digimon' also had a video game, which was only released in Japan on the exclusive Gameboy Wonderswan Color Advance 360. But since it didn't sell too well, the future of more Digimon video games on the way were quickly shelved. What a bummer."

"You may be surprised to know that there was an actual feature-length movie released in theaters! Awesome! But why they only made a single movie out of the five series with thousands of episodes that exist today still remains a mystery. But nevertheless, it was simply titled; 'Digimon: The Muvee'."

The reviewer displayed a scanned image of the movie poster to his audience.

"The first thing you'll notice on the picture here is the tagline: 'New Monsters. New Battles. Now on the big screen'. Pretty neat, huh?"

"But wait a minute, who the heck are these people? They don't look ANYTHING like the characters from the first Digimon semester! Who are all these ugly faces on the television screens? Who's that blonde rock star guy? Who's that crazy girl with the glittery Barbie hair and what is she yelling about? She's probably yelling about the same stuff as I am, but how would I know? I'm so irate and I'm never wrong!"

"But really, are these meant to be the OLD Digitalized Destiny? They look WAY different to be them! I'm sorry, but I just can't buy it. This is FAR too hard for my high intellect to comprehend!"

"And what are these strange monstrosities at the bottom of the poster with these new kids? What's with the Native Canadian eagle, the gold plated turtle and the rabbit with an ice cream cone on his head? What idiot came up with these guys? They can't be Digimon!"

"Speaking of the new kids, who's this guy? Cody, is that his name? He looks NOTHING like the Cody I remember from the Capcom beat 'em up game 'Final Fright'! And what's up with this four-eyed purple haired motorcycle helmet-wearing bitch on the left? I honestly don't remember seeing HER in the first season as a tree in the background!"

"Worst of all, where the hell is Bowser? Isn't HE meant to be a Digimon as well? Are these two beady eyes on top of the poster meant to be Bowser? Well, GUESS WHAT! I watched through this whole damn movie all by myself and we don't even get to see King Bowser! C'mon, fans want to see King Bowser in this movie! Why couldn't he at least have been a downloadable character?"

"I didn't once laugh at this miserable crap of a movie and found nothing good in it. But without giving away any spoilers whatsoever, I will say that the best part was the bit with Angela Anaconda trying get into the screening of 'Digimon:The Muvee'. It clearly had no relevance to the plot but I still laughed my ass off for no reason."

"Now I could go a long way onto the second season of 'Digimon' and review it. But why bother when the first one was such a big disappointment? So instead, I'm going to leap over and take a closer look at 'Digimon Taymers', the perfect predecessor to the first two Digimon seasons which were fantastic!"

"All of this series sucks! They're a waste of time, and I wish I could go back in time and prevent these sitcoms from ever non-existing! This is a bad Nostalgia Overload!"

KABOOM!

"Well, that's all the time we have for today. Tune in six months later when I upload the eighteenth part of my 'History of Anime' series. We'll be looking at how Akira Toriyama came up with the concept of 'Sailor Mune' and how Hayao Miyazaki is pulling out of retirement to direct the sequel to his last box-office hit, 'The Disappearance of the Meloncholy of Haroohee Suzamaiya'.

"So game on, folks!"

To end the video, the reviewer pulled an exaggerated angry face at the audience for a few moments, as if his jokes weren't funny enough to laugh at. No sooner did a Googled image of pink Digimon turds drop down on him from the ceiling.

"You see these special effects? It took me four months to make! Can you believe that?"

…

The End

(Brought to you by Wai-Too-Bee-Oar-Nut-Too-Bee Productions)

…

"Seriously though, what the hell is a SAILOR anyway?"


End file.
